Bite Me!

Hello Suckers!

Examine the pictures included in this week's post. A young, sexy person, covered in blood, points his piercing, erotic and sensual gaze at you; those eyes could only be sending one message to the masses: do me now and do me rough! The display of soft core porn is only a tidbit of the erotic sensations that vampires instill in millions of people of all genders, ages, races, sexual orientations and nationalities. This tidal wave of sadomasochistic, rage filled, and explicitly graphic sexual energy has ripped open our culture, sucked us dry and then left us wanting more. It can't for a moment be denied that American culture is obsessed with vampires. But why? Why do we read works like Ann Rice's Vampire Chronicles? Why is Dracula the most filmed character in history? Why is it that we get hard whenever fangs come out? Or should I say, why do fangs come out whenever we get hard? Using traditional psychoanalysis (and some not so traditional psychoanalysis) we'll go on a tour of the landscape of the vampire as a sexual object and discover why fangs and blood are the new whips and chains. Without further blabbering from me...

Listen:

I Love You, Don't Eat Me! 

To begin, I'd like to start with Freud's theory of overvaluation of the sexual object. In Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality, Freud writes, “It is only in the rarest instances that the physical valuation that is set on the sexual object, as being the goal of the sexual instinct, stops short of its genitals. The appreciation extends to the whole body of the object and tends to involve every sensation derived from it”(16). With vampires this definitely holds true. For the vampire takes away the genitals as the place of sexual pleasure, and places it somewhere else: neck, wrist, thigh, breast and many more dirty places. It takes sex, an act that some view as strictly for procreation, and makes it about pleasure for the whole being. If you're getting off without your genitals touching then there is no chance of reproduction. Vampires represent sex as fun, not as an obscene act, only to be done once you're married. The attraction to vampires comes from this animal-like need to have sex, and the vampire represents this need personified. However, this overvaluation doesn't stop just at sex. It's also the reason vampires can seduce their victims (or partners depending on who's involved) into continuing to let them feed.

“The subject becomes, as it were, intellectually infatuated (that is, his powers of judgment are weakened) by the mental achievements and perfections of the sexual object and he submits to the latter's judgment with credulity”(16). This phenomenon that Freud points out was his personal interpretation of how love began, but for the purposes of the vampire I see it as the avenue through which mind control becomes plausible. On the hit HBO series True Blood, vampire Bill Compton attempts to “glammer” Sookie Stakehouse. Due to Sookie's fairy blood he is unable to take control of her mind directly, however as the series progresses Bill makes Sookie fall in love with him, and therefore establishes a far stronger level of control than simply invading her mind. Once again we see how Freud's concept of overvaluation is used and abused by the walking dead. We as a society have grown to love the idea of sex as pleasure, and romance with a man or a woman from beyond the grave.

One final point of discussion in regard to the overvaluation of the object is the actual sexual acts themselves. In almost every medium of vampire entertainment, sex with a vampire is held in far higher regard than with another human. In a poll done by ABC 47% percent of singles under 30 were not satisfied with their sex lives(Peek Beneath the Sheets, 9). That being almost half the country, it seems logical that the reason for the vampire's reputation of a ramped up performance is a culture that is dissatisfied with the sex they're having. I know from personal experience that the majority of my sexual encounters have been let downs (save for a few), so it seems perfectly logical to me that people would dream of a perfect lover who could please them every time. That lover is the vampire, for if not, then why has our culture endowed him and her with the power to screw at such astounding power.

Queers And Vamps

I think the trend may have been started by Anne Rice, but since Interview with the Vampire a lot of vampire characters have been either gay or lesbian. On True Blood almost every character has gay or queer tendencies, even the show's male heartthrob Eric. In a rare display of power, a gay character, the Vampire King of Mississippi, Russel Eddington, was given the honor of being the third season's villain. Pam, Eric's child is the show's main Lesbian character, but she is not alone, for the late Queen Sophie-Ann, the former vampire leader of Louisiana had a female human whom she used for sexual pleasure. The question of course becomes, why? Why are their so many vampires who are either gay or bisexual? As I keep bringing up, vampires represent nonhetronormative sex. They represent sex as an act of pleasure and for gay people who can't have children with their partners, sex is a strictly pleasurable act, so it makes sense that vampires would experiment with their sexuality's. Also consider that during sex with a vampire the erogenous zone is not the genitals but the neck. When you take the genitals out of sex, suddenly sexual orientation becomes something you can play with.

The other side of identification of Queer people with vampires is the side that is the pain felt due to the rejection projected by the hetronormative world. Queer people know what it's like to be different, and to feel like they don't quite fit in with the rest of society. “Vampirism is, of course, an ideal metaphor for the gay life. Vampires exist as the eternal "other," living in the shadows outside of respectable society. They are perceived as sexual monsters and are hated and feared”(The sons of Lestat, 22) In Ann Rice's Vampire Chronicles her three main vampires, Louie, Lestat and Armand are all gay. The funny thing about these characters is how they embrace sexuality the same way they embrace their vampirism. Louie rejects his love for Armand, the same way he rejects being a vampire. Armand prefers to keep his sexuality and his vampirism very private, which is why Armand is often alone. Lestat fully embraces his sexuality and also fully embraces being a vampire. He embraces these things so much that he even “comes out” as a vampire. The metaphor painted by Rice couldn't be a more obvious comparison. Of course, vampires have had their fare share of Lesbian characters as well. The most notable Lesbian vampire is Miriam from the film, The Hunger. “Miriam lives with her current lover in a darkly lit, opulent home which is like a vast womb-like mausoleum... She is the vampire/mother who gives birth to her vampire/lover... Only she knows how to appease 'the hunger' for blood”(The Monstrous-Feminine, 70) The lesbian vampire is seen as a menstrual monster, and a dangerous mother that is to be feared. While the gay vampire seems to either brood or rejoice in his vampirism, the lesbian vampire seems to plot, plan and calculate how to advance her vampirism further in the form of children.

Charlene Harris, author of the Sookie Stakehouse novels, takes the metaphor of homosexuality much further. In the world of her novels vampires have “come out of the coffin,” an obvious play on the old gay saying “coming out of the closet.” Also, if you watch the opening credits of True Blood you will see a sign that reads, “God hates Fangs.” These open metaphors attract gay readers and audiences, for everyone wants to feel like they have someone who understands them. Vampires and gays are both the “eternal other.” Vampires are nonhetronrmative beings, who are shunned because they are different, have pleasure based sex and are a people who mostly just want to be left alone. Sound familiar?

The Growing World of Darkness

One thing is clear, whether you like Twilight or True Blood, vampires as a sexual object aren’t gong anywhere. On the contrary, the world of darkness, a term first used by White Wolf Game Studios, is rapidly growing and consuming popular culture. Almost every young adult fiction novel on the shelves is about vampires. TV has both True Blood, and The Vampire Diaries, not to mention the cult classic Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which is arguably the greatest vampire TV show of all time. With Breaking Dawn, the last film in the Twilight series, on the horizon vampires won't be leaving theaters soon either. Both money and sexual fantasy have solidified the vampires place in popular culture, and as a rouge sex symbol for the masses. Very few people claim to not be a part of the growing blood-lust for vampires, whether they want to have sex with one, become one, or meet one. Whatever your vice, vampires have sunk their fangs deep into our desires, our bodies and our wallets. If you meet a vampire this Halloween, don't be afraid. If it decides to kill and eat you, as you're dying, just say...

So It Goes...

Top Three Vampire Books Of All Time!

Hello Suckers!

Listen:

Halloween is just around the corner, and because it's my favorite holiday, I'm doing a few special halloween posts in honor of the day. The first is a review of my favorite vampire novels. These books are more than just my personal favorites. After all, who cares about what I like? These three books are also the most influential to the theme of vampires. Without further ado, here's the books!!! 

#3,  Dead Until Dark

Charlene Harris's southern vampire mysteries are not the best written books. However, in Dead Until Dark, the first in the series, we are given suspense, love, action, humor, real characters and a compelling plot. Sookie Stackhouse is a telepathic waitress who gets mixed up with civil war veteran, and vampire, William (Bill) Compton. Together they begin to unravel the mystery as to why so many of the town's women are being murdered. Shape Shifter and bar owner Sam Merlotte, another contender for Sookie's heart, helps out in the investigation by transforming into his favorite form, a dog, and sniffing around. To make matters worse, Sookie's brother Jason is accused of the crimes! Responsible for the most successful vampire media form since Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dead Until Dark inspired Six Feet Under producer Alan Ball to create the HBO program True Blood. For it's shear influence on popular culture alone, Dead Until Dark will go down in history as one of the greatest vampire novels of all time, even if the rest of the series fails to compare to the original.

#2, Interview with the Vampire

Ann Rice knows vampires. She proved that in 1976 when she published her classic work of fiction Interview With The Vampire. Interview tells the story of French vampire Louie, and details his travels throughout Louisiana and France. Along the way, he is forced to contend with his sire, the sinister yet beautiful, Lestat, the doll like, child vampire Claudia, and the boyish, devilish Armand; leader of the Theater of the Vampires. All of this he relates to the inquisitive, and passionate interviewer, as he tries to make him understand the cost of immortality. A story of love, passion, choice, and death, Interview With The Vampire took the vampire myth and made it modern. Suddenly, vampires could be gay! They could be children, boys, girls, good and unquestionably evil. A tale of the grass being greener on the other side, Interview With The Vampire changed the way we viewed the walking dead, and is the most influential vampire novel of the later half of the 20^th century.

 #1, Dracula

The grandfather of all vampire stories, Bram Stoker's Dracula is truly one of the greatest books ever written. Before Dracula, vampires were simply tainted abominations that feasted upon the blood of virgins. Stoker took that myth, and made a sympathetic, yet deliciously evil, vampire. Dracula was written at the end of the Victorian Era, and is one of the only books to be a masterpiece by both classic and modern standards. Had Stoker not written Dracula, Louie would have never told his story to the Interviewer, and Sookie would have never met Vampire Bill. For Dracula, despite his wickedness, made vampires feel human. A great novel on it's own merits, Dracula is a book that almost anyone can enjoy. It's large cast of characters help to round out this story of love and death. It was certainly Stoker who put the sex into horror, and for that I'm sure Ann Rice and Charlene Harris are eternally grateful.

Remember suckers, there's no such thing as an original idea. For more vampire themed stories see my other work at www.outinjersey.net.  

So It Goes.  

Cat's Cradle

Listen:

Sometimes shit happens. You can't plan for it, but it does. I was super hip to this whole blog thing, and then I got wrapped up in a crazy whirlwind of events that left me not only unable to post, but very, very sad. As I picked up the pieces of my life, and the pieces of those lives around me, I realized how much the human race can go through, and how hidden in lies and deceit reality really is.  "See the cat? See the cradle?" That's what life tries to do; show us string tricks and make us believe promises that are ultimately lies. Life seems to want to chew us up and spit us back out again. So what's the solution?

A. Say fuck your problems, and treat every day like it's your last.
B. Rage against the machine (pun intended) and fight the cosmic shit that comes your way.
C. Give up and be depressed
D. None of the above
E. A&B
F. Rip up the stupid fucking string that they use to make the cat's cradle!

The answer: Drum Roll please!!!! (Billy watches as an army of queers beat on snare drums)

The answer is E. A&B. In life, you must remember to live your life like you won't be here tomorrow. People get hit by busses, choke on food, get murdered, have strokes and much, much more. With how easy it is to die, people should remember to live there lives while they have one. Imagine if you knew that today was the last time you'd ever see your partner, mom, cat, etc. Wouldn't it change everything? Wouldn't you get down and tell them how much you love them; how much you care?

Why pretend? Why not grab that person, or people, and tell them how you feel? The answer is pride. To quote my favorite movie "Pulp Fiction," "That's pride fucking with you. Fuck pride! It only hurts, it never helps." So the first part of this dealing with life shit, is remembering to throw caution into the wind, live your life, and keep the people you love close.

Now, let's move on to part two. Now that you've told your pet beagle how you really feel, it's time to try and change some of the fucked up shit that causes life to be so shitty. You can make a difference. My advice, find a cause and fight for it. Everybody has a cause. What's yours? Anybody who knows me knows my cause is homeless LGBT youth. It's my way of giving back. I truly believe that if everybody had a cause and stuck with it, the level of bullshit life throws at us would decrease by tenfold. Imagine a world where little Timmy with no health insurance can get that heart transplant for free. Imagine a world where black people and white people can finally do what Dr. King wanted years ago, and hold hands. Imagine a world with less cars, more public transportation, and therefore less death at the hands of drunk drivers. If people did things too advocate, fight for, and otherwise support a single cause, these goals are not unrealistic. If the past few months have taught me anything, it's that not enough people in this world care. They're too wrapped up in the string of the cat's cradle. They believe the lies that the world is just fine, and this you're a good person, good things will happen to you. Perhaps, that's the greatest cat's cradle of them all.

Yet, I am not defeated. I am inspired. I'm inspired to change this world and finally show people what is really happening out there. In the words of the man this blog is based around, "No damn cat, no damn cradle!"

Upon my return, the 'cat's cradles' will be shown for the shams that they are. My loyal suckers, I mean readers, stay tuned to this blog. I promise you both cutting edge news, as well as fun and factual features.

Look forward too...

1. NYU students star a new queer youth website
2. A return of racism
3. A review of Mortal Kombat 2011
4. The fact's of my time away
5. Workout tips
6. More profiles
7. Sex, sex sex.
8. A cutting edge vampire article with photo shoot!

and much, much more. To conclude, this bitch is back. My only advice for dealing with life right now is take a deep breath, try and laugh and say...

So it goes...

"No damn cat! No damn cradle!"

Born This Way

Hello Suckers!

I belong to a group on Facebook called Gay, Gorgeous and 20 Something. It's normally just a fun way to waste time; answering sex polls, asking questions, etc. However, yesterday a topic of discussion was, "I wish I was straight. Does anybody else feel this way?" When I read this I grew very sad. In a book about Post a Secret, the popular website, I read one grown man's admission. "I hope my son doesn't realize I'm gay. I'm afraid he won't love me anymore." This even more than the post on gg20 made me feel that I had to address the issue of personal acceptance. On that note, sit back, relax and.....

Listen:

   

My name wasn't always Billy. Billy is the name I chose for myself. No, I used to be a guy named Will. Let's be clear. Will was a loser. Will took crap from people. He let himself get made fun off, beat up, be mentally and emotionally abused. He had no self worth. He was such a miserable little boy. I've painted this picture not to evoke pity. On the contrary, I wouldn't have pitted myself. I would have given myself a piece of advice.

I would have looked at Will and said, "You're powerless. Admit that you have no power. The world has taken it from you. Once you've admitted this truth to yourself, you can look at the world, say fuck you, and then take your power back."

I remember the day I took my power back, and it was the moment that changed my life. 

Will George strolled through the halls of Marshall High School carrying his binder. Written on it were the words "fag" and "cocksucker." He'd taken a black magic marker and blotted the words out. Nobody else could see those words written anymore. Yet, when Will looked at his binder the words were there staring at him. He was fifteen. As Will walked through the halls, his glasses were covering his eyes. He had a long mob of brown hair, uncombed and messy, falling all across his forehead. His clothes were dumpy, and slightly too big for him. His body was unimpressive and uncared for. Will turned the corner and was confronted with an all to familiar scene.  He'd run into a school bully. The bully's name was Julian. Julian held all of little Will's power in the palm of his hands and in the tongue of his wit.

"Faggot cocksucker," Jullian teased. 

The bully began to laugh. Normally Will would just snivel, try to insult back, and run. He may cry later in his room. He of course wouldn't tell his family. In Will's opinion his family was tired of hearing him weep. However, today was different. Will looked at his defaced binder. He remembered all of the times he'd been called fag, queer and cocksucker. He remembered the beatings and he remembered how he had only three friends.  As Will looked at the binder he remembered it was Julian who'd done the defacing. As Julian stood there laughing, something in Will snapped. His response came quick. 

"Two things," Will said with a bitchy wit. "First thing, yes. Second thing, what's your point?" 

Julian was caught totally off guard. He stopped laughing and looked totally confused. "What," he said. 

"You said faggot cocksucker," Will reminded. "I'm simply replying that yes I am a faggot cocksucker and then asking what you mean to imply by brining it up?" Julian is at a loss for words. At this point, a small crowd had gathered. "Are you propositioning me," Will asks. "Because I'm letting you know now you're not my type." With that Will walked away.  It was at this moment Will's power was once again his own. 

The subsequent changes wouldn't happen overnight. They would take years to reach fruition.  However, on this day he'd taken his first step. He'd owned his gay identity. He'd stood up to the world and said, "I'm gay, wanna fight about it?" He'd taken the first step towards becoming the person I am today. 

My journey was a long one, and was faced with many more challenges. At the end of the road I like who I've become. Billy George is a happy person. I look in the mirror, smile and say "I love myself." I realize that I could have stayed in the closet, gotten married to a woman, had kids and lied until I died. I would have never been happy though. Why change something about yourself that is a basic part of who you are? When you change your hair color, or wear colored contacts to change your eye color, you're just covering up the true you. So when you try to change your sexual identity in order to like yourself better, you have to accept that your basic self is still there underneath the fake self. Take out those contacts, and love your brown eyes. Cut your hair and be a ginger. Be proud to be asian, caucasian, latino and African American. Look in the mirror and "rejoice today, cause baby you were born this way." 

I know personal acceptance isn't is easy as I'm making it sound. I also know that gay culture can be very uninviting unless you're pretty and skinny and easy. Try to put aside the culture and just be. That's the beauty of being queer. There isn't one way to do it. Being gay is just a part of who you are, it's not the entirety of who you are. Just don't let others make you feel you should be something you're not. "You're on the right track baby, you were born this way." If the world is cruel, if people judge you for who you are, if people hate you and won't include you in life; just make sure you love yourself, hold on to your power and say...

So it goes.... and "I am who I am."

      

World of Warcraft Cataclysm: Review

Hello Suckers!

World of Warcraft has been dominating the world of MMORPG's since its inception in 2004. Facing harsh criticism for being outdated, Blizzard Entertainment decided to give Azeroth a face lift. For my gay-mers, and my three straight readers, here's a review of World of Warcraft Cataclysm.

The Worgens of the Alliance are by far the best part of this new expansion. Long has the Horde held the title for the most fearsome races. Orcs, Trolls, Tauren, and The Undead are all beasts who look like they could bulldoze you. When Blizzard released The Burning Crusade, they gave the Horde the Blood Elves. The Blood Elves brought an attractive more gentle race to the savage Horde, and by giving the Alliance the Worgens, they have finally given some bloodlust to the otherwise peaceful do gooders.

All around the story lines of Cataclysm are far improved from the original WoW. When you start by playing a Worgen you won't be killing pigs or mana worms. I don't want to give away the story line, but trust me when I say it will keep you hooked all the way through lvl 15. With both a human and Worgen form, you can play in multiple ways. While you stroll around Stormwind in your human form. go to the Auction House, learn a trade skill, or make some friends. Then go to the battleground, transform and rip some Horde noobs to shreds.

Say hello to Arfand my Worgen Warrior.

The Horde didn't fare badly in the new race draw. The Goblins have been demanded for a long time, and with the Horde lacking in technology, these little green engineers seemed a perfect match. Unfairly compared to the Gnomes, you'll find that the Goblins play nothing like those pink skin shorties. The Goblins have lip to give, and remind me of the cast of Jersey Shore when they say things like, "Gambling, tinkering, laundry." They serve the Horde well, and are more than a match for the Worgens.        

The name of my Goblin Shaman should be familiar to us Jersey boys.

A vision of Garrosh and Vul'Jin fighting

The other races have also faired well from the new expansion. The Trolls of the Darkspear Tribe, the least played race, have been given a brand new area and storyline in an attempt to revamp their usage. Vul'jin, leader of the trolls shows the young troll players a fight between him and New Warchief Garrosh Hellscream. The new troll quest chain involves dealing with an ancient Naga threat. The trolls get top marks in Cataclysm.


Now, let's take a look at some of the areas changed by the cataclysm. Thanks to the expansion's main bad guy - the black dragon lord Deathwing - the Barrens has been split in two, and now in the Southern Barrens you'll find both an Alliance and Horde storyline. Camp Taurajo has been put into the dust. Whether your playing as the Alliance or Horde the story of what happened changes. Either way both sides are out for blood. Open war is on these plains. Ashenvale is another place of open war, with the night elves on the defensive. Garrosh has burnt much of the forest, but the Night elves have not given up hope.

My main, Akio the Blood Elf hunter standing at Mount Hyjal

The only drawback to the new expansion is the end game content. Lvl's 80-85 didn't blow me away the way the 1-60 content did. Also, when compared to the master storytelling done in Wrath of the Lich King, Cataclysm falls short. Their are some cool areas, like Mount Hyjal and the Twilight Highlands, but they just don't pack the same punch as Icecrown. Despite this flaw, Blizzard is introducing new storyline in the next patch. Focusing on the threat of a united troll front, Blizzard is pushing troll leader Vuljin as a character.

Vul'jin

Whether you're a veteran of Northrend, or this is your first time in Azeroth, World of Warcraft Cataclysm will make you forget which Final Fantasy is being produced forever. For the Horde!, and always...

So it Goes.

The Youtube Project

So I know all of you wait at your computers to hear what pearls of wisdom I've assembled. This week I had the company of the wonderful Jessica Chan. Jessica is an employee of Goggle, and works specifically for Youtube. She is an avid tweeter, and a funny one at that. Brought in by mentor and teacher Betty Ming Liu, Jessica came to teach us the strategies of how to pump up your Youtube channel. While watching Youtube Celebrity Fred, one classmate remarked, "If he can do it anyone can." Without any further who-ha, here are a few of Jessica's tips;

Listen:

Tip #1 Have a Broad, Original Concept.
You may not like Fred, but one can't deny his success. The genius of Fred is the simple concept; an older boy acting like a five year old and it has has gained a wide audience. It appeals to the children that he's imitating, as well as to older kids and parents who can watch him together. He's childish enough for children, but smart enough for adults. With over 2,000,000 subscribers, Fred must be doing something right.  Give it up for Fred!

Another epic video that has had countless viewers for it's originality is the Rebecca Black Friday video. It's another one, that combines themes that both kids and adults can enjoy. I see it as a tame version of Tik-Tok by Kesha.

With the above two videos in mind, we see that originality, as well as a broad concept, can attract viewers. In the case of Fred, it keeps them coming back.

Tip #2 Witness Something crazy!!!
I don't know why, but we love to watch people go insane. Maybe it's reassuring us of our own sanity? Maybe we like to watch others suffer? Maybe it's just funny. It's a system that works though, and one I must pay homage to. Everyone has their favorite meltdown video, and nothing sparks conversation in a group like, "Hey, have you seen that video on Youtube, Crazy Girl on Train?" 

With countless video responses, dance remixes, and videos about it, Crazy Girl On Train is easily one of Youtube's best crazy freakout videos. The genius of the person shooting the video is simply that he was in the right place at the right time, and knew to turn on his video camera. The result is Youtube gold. One other video of mention in this genre is a video that almost everyone on Youtube has seen. I present Greatest Freakout ever. 

The summary of this section is simple. Whether it's exploiting a family member, or being near a loony on the MTA, a video camera, plus a meltdown equals subscribers and hits for your videos.

Tip #3 Create a Personality.
 As class progressed, Jessica continued to shoot off pearls of wisdom. She told us that creating a consistent personality was another way to keep viewers coming back to your video blog. For example, take Sassy Gay Friend.  Started by Second City Entertainment, this sassy figure has been sweeping in to save literature's heroines for over a year. His personality, mixed with his social commentary, has intrigued viewers and subscribers.  

This goes back to Tip #1. The shit you just saw is original! I don't know who dreamed up Sassy Gay Friend, but they were having a good day. He's a figure that promotes equality, but due to his funny, stereotypical ways, he puts straight people who may not be LGBT comfortable at ease. His alarming personality helps him disarm viewers. 
  
Tip #4 Do Something Useful.
Jessica spoke that a useful "how-to" video can really bump viewership. Although not my specialty, I felt like I should investigate this phenomenon and this is what I found.  Michele Phan has over 1,000,000 subscribers.  Her secret is advanced how to videos on how-to do your makeup in different circumstances. These videos stand out because they are fun, informative, and detailed. Offering a service has allowed her to build her brand while at the same time being entertaining. She's someone useful and that, suckers, is marketable.

Tip #5 Be An Active User.
The lovely Jessica had one last tip. If you are a part of the Youtube community, people will begin to notice you. Whether it's leaving comments on videos, friending people, or doing crazy response videos, being a part of the youtube community makes you stand out. This also includes posting videos regularly. If you do have subscribers they're more likely to pass you off to their Youtube friends if you post every so often. You want your subscribers going to work or school saying, "Oh my God, have you seen so and so's new video yet?" This all comes from being an active part of Youtube, not just posting videos. 


Although Jessica had many more wise things to say, I realize you people have lives. For now, ta ta. Next post, I'll begin reviewing World of Warcraft Cataclysm. Till then....


So it goes.... 

"Gangster Government" is the most racist, right wing, anti Obama movement yet!

Listen:


You suckers know I work in books. I was at the front of my store, when I was confronted with this disturbing image.


Look:

I picked up the book just to make sure I was reading it correctly. I couldn't comprehend the horrid display that was before my eyes. I opened the book, and began tearing through the pages to see what other examples of horrid racism were contained in it's pages. However, it scanned like a normal anti Obama book:

Bailout, GM, etc, etc. 

The only thing terribly offensive was the cover and the language used. Nobody can argue that the same tittle, picture, and use of the word thugocracy...

which isn't even a fucking word

...would have been used if the president was a white man. You don't have to like Obama. I certainly don't like everything he does. Yet I respect him on his own terms. I do not blatantly, and hostilely, disrespect him because he is a person of color. I almost feel like all of the hate directed at President Obama is because he's a person of color! Is this country so backwards and prejudice that we will allow the leader of our nation to be portrayed as a gangster thug on the cover of a best selling book; simply because he is African American?

#2 most evil politician Michelle Bachmann seems to agree with the person who wrote the books forward, Michael Barone. Barone started this terrible trend back in '09 with a reoccurring column, and now with the help of author David Freddoso, this plague has spread into bookstores everywhere.

     Sick yet? If anyone can convince me that this new plan of attack against our nation's leader is not direct and utter racism I will bake you a batch of cookies. So much for a post racial society.

So it goes.

Top, Bottom, or In-Between?

Hello Suckers!

This morning began with a nasty cold, followed by a cup of coffee from my local indian joint. The stuff tasted like piss. Anyways, I logged on to the twitter and found that a peep of mine left me a message about a story I should feature. Rather than summarize, go check it out. It's on the dangers of Barebacking.

Look:

Barebacking Story. Don't forget to click back!

Now that I got your attention.........

Listen:

Gay sex is a confusing act. As a result I've decided to break it down for you guys and advocate for safe sex along the way.

Straight people have defined roles in the bedroom. The man is the top. The woman is the bottom. Now this is not say that all women are submissive and all men are dominant. I know plenty of straight couples where the woman is the one calling the shots both in and out of the bedroom. I'm simply taking about biology. In the end, the man is penetrating the woman.

In gay sex the defined roles go out the window. Since men posses both a phallic object, and holes for objects to be put in, the who does what becomes more sticky. Lets break it down. Let's pretend the world is not slutty and everyone has a boyfriend. The secret to a long lasting, committed relationship is a great sex life. I've been amazed at how people who have nothing in common can be so happy with each others company if the sex is good. I can feel that hate coming, so I should also say that their is a lot more to a relationship than sex. All of that other stuff is important, and should never be overlooked, but I feel like great sex between boyfriends can decrease cheating, fighting, lying, and help create an over all stronger bond.

With that in mind, you and your partner have decided to take the plunge and have sex for the first time. Let's also assume your both virgins.

Two gay boys both virgins? Is such a thing possible? Maybe at 12...

Anyways, push come to shove, one will top, one will bottom. The difficult thing to decide is who should do what. Talk with your partner and discuss how you feel about each situation. If your partner is rather large down there, and you are average, that's something to consider. Also, if you masturbate to the thought of your man doing you, perhaps the answer is right there in the open. Q@A time.

Our couple.

Q: What if I want to bottom, but my boyfriend has a really big penis? I mean, that shit is scary!


A: If you really feel comfortable with your man, then explain that the size is an issue. Using a lot of lube, and going very slow, with lots of encouragement can help ease tension down there as well as in your head. Also, they make toys for big boys like you. Go buy one and play by yourself before playing with your man. 


Q: Okay thats all good, but my penis looks tiny compared to my boyfriend. Am I small or is he huge? What's average? It seems like all the guys on grinder have like eight inch penises.


A: First things first, they don't all have eight inch penises. They are liars! Secondly, average is 5.5 inches. Although according to a study by Sexologist Simon Levay, gay men on average are about 6.1 inches. So, go us! I don't know your size, but now that you know what average is, you can take a ruler and figure that shit out for yourself. 


Q: Phew! I'm not bellow average. That's good to know. How about foreplay? How long is long enough? What should we do?


A: How do you not know any of this??? The amount of foreplay depends on a lot of things, but I'd say at least thirty minutes of foreplay helps to release tension for both parties, and makes the sex a lot more enjoyable. Now this is not to say a quickie now and again isn't hot. To answer what you should do, just log on to a porn site. You'll get some ideas.


Q: So I'm a bottom. Should I never ask to top?


A: If you have no desire to, then don't. However, if you feel like trying out the other end of the spectrum tell your man what you need. You may find out that your 80% bottom, 20% top. This kind of versatility can lead to a more action packed sex life.


Thanks Billy.
Your welcome sucker.

They're ready to do it!

Now that we've covered the basics let's move on to the club scene. People often ask me how gay people know who will do what in a hookup situation. Now let's be clear. Gender Atypicality has NOTHING to do with being a top or bottom. I know some seriously masculine bros who are big nellys, and I also know some material girls who like to dominate. To quote a drag friend of mine who's a total top, "Bitch, don't touch the hair."

Don't touch her hair!

The best tactic for figuring out who does what is to simply ask. It's not rude and can save you both a lot of time. Now, don't walk in there and say, "Hi, I'm Billy, are you a top or a bottom?" Their answer will probably be a slap. However, if the situation looks promising, and the discussion begins to go towards filth, slipping in that small question can help ease tensions and fears.

Another thing, all gay sex doesn't have to end in anal. Oral is there for a reason, and if your honest about what position you are, you both might agree to cut it off at third base.

Versatile folks have the biggest advantage. They can sleep with most anyone they want to. Not limiting themselves has allowed them to become something desirable to all. Now if your not versatile, don't try to be. Some guys simply can't bottom. If you've given it your all and find it just isn't working, then stay true to yourself. Being a total top does exist. My only advice is make sure you are one before you advertise as such. Same goes for you bottom boys. Try topping, if it doesn't work don't worry. We love you just the way you are.

Let's connect back to the story I had you suckers read about barebacking. You really shouldn't do it. People of our generation have forgotten the dramatic effect HIV/AIDS had on the gay population during the 80s and early 90s. We take for granted the medicine that's been created, and don't take the disease itself seriously. I'm fortunate enough to have three role models from that generation who constantly remind me to be safe. Two are my gay uncles, the other is my mentor. Barebacking simply isn't worth the risk. Time for another Q@A.

Q: How can I prevent HIV transmission?


A:  Simple, ware a condom.

So this is a condom. I see.

Q: I'm a top only. Can I contract HIV from topping a positive bottom?


A: Although the chances are much lower, yes you can. Being circumcised is a big help, but nothing is a guarantee. Also, your normal germs can be very harmful to the positive bottom. Wearing a condom protects both of you. 

Alright, I got my condom, I'm ready for anything. 

Q: Condoms taste ichy. Should I use one during oral? 


A: That's up to you. If you don't use one, make sure you don't have cuts in your mouth. Also, swallow, DON'T SPIT! Swallowing allows your stomach acid to kill the virus. Spitting keeps it trapped in your mouth, and ups your chances of semen entering your bloodstream. Also, try flavored condoms. MMMM Cherry!

Q: I've been with my man for like seven years. Do we really have to use a condom?
A: If your both totally monogamous, go ahead and play raw. If you have any doubts about your partners fidelity, keep that rubber on. 


Q: My ex called and told me he's positive. I haven't been tested since we broke up, and I've have had unprotected sex with other people. What should I do?


A: Go get tested. If you come back positive, then make the needed phone calls. No need to worry people until you know for sure.


Q: I'm positive, is my life over?


A: No, being positive doesn't mean what it used to. A positive friend of mine always says, "Just take your pill hunny, you'll be fine."


Now that you've been enlightened, I need to go back to bed. I'm still sick after all. Just remember my devoted fans, gay sex is really complicated, but figuring it out, can unlock many possibilities for you and your partner. Remember that HIV is no joke and also that if your positive, we will all love you no matter what.

So it goes...

Please use a condom guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5 Most Evil U.S. Politicians

Listen:

I know I just did a list based post, but with the amount of evil creeping along in our government, it seems fitting my next post should be a list of the worst of the worst U.S. Politicians. Here they are:



5. Gov. Dennis Daugaard

AP Photo

A woman's body has and always will be her domain. In this country we have given a woman the right to choose whether or not she wishes to have an abortion. The not so good Governor of South Dakota has passed a law that has instituted a three day waiting period, the longest period of any state in our country. If that's not bad enough, the law also states that the woman seeking an abortion must undergo a lecture about the evils of abortion, and other choices you might have. This unconstitutional, misogynistic, crazy law is already being challenged in court.

Read more about the bill here


4. State Sen. Jane Cunningham
The Tea Party makes me want to vomit. Miss Jane Cunningham wants to introduce a bill that would lower the legal working age to twelve. With more is an animated Panda.



Thanks NMA News. Like them on Facebook!

Read more of her evil here.

3. Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker
Worker unions have been destroyed by this man and his band of Republican lackeys. This country was made great by good, hard, working unions, and with this terrible defeat for them in Wisconsin we've taken another step back towards the Industrial Revolution.    


Read more about how the unions are fighting back here

2. Minnesota Congress Woman Rep. Michele Bachman 
Bachman gets the #2 spot for one reason, stupidity. Her blunders in the media are so foolish even Sarah Palin is putting pressure on her, and women like her, to shut up. "It Doesn't do any good to whine," said Palin. Here are a few of Bachman's blunders.

MTV.COM

1. Said Lexington and Concord happened in New Hampshire
2, Said Swine flu first broke out under Dem. Jimmy Carter (It was Rep. Gerald Ford)
3. Said Global warming is, "Voodoo nonsense."

Bachman has stated her interest in a possible presidential run in 2012. Do we really want someone who is such a fucking retard that they don't know basic truths and realties? I mean come on, she's never even heard of Lady Gaga.

Read more about Bachman's Blunders here


1. Gov. of New York Andrew Cuomo
A new budget has been proposed by Gov. Cuomo that would cut funding to runaway and homeless youth shelters by $85 million. With the LGBT youth making up 40% of all New York Homeless youth, this puts kids on the streets instead of in beds. Worse than that, dissolving the services provided by shelters makes it harder for youth to move beyond the shelter system, and keeps the number of LGBT homeless youth growing. Thanks for letting children starve and die.  That's why Cuomo gets the #1 slot.

Helo stop this great injustice here.


So it goes...

Editorial from my editor

Listen:

If I told you a parent was abusing, starving and neglecting their children, you'd be up in arms to defend the before mentioned soul. That is exactly what the good Mayor Bloomberg of New York City has done to his children when he abolished all subsidized housing in New York in the name of budget cuts. Rather than ramble on, I'll let you guys read an editorial written by the editor of Out In Jersey Magazine and gay activist, Tobias Grace. 

Suffer the Little Children!

I'm so sick I feel like purging. Thanks Bloomberg. you're a real gold platted son of a bitch!


So it goes...

Top 10 rules for the customer!

Hello Suckers!

Listen:

My colleages and I constantly lament about the rudeness and incompetence of our shoppers. I'm writing this for both my co-workers and for consumers in general. I can't tell you where I work, but my field is books. And we want to share that the secret to a pleasant experience lies with you, the shopper.


1. Come Prepared

These are books.

This is Rule #1 for a good reason. If I had a nickel for every time a person came into the store with no information on what they were requesting, I'd be a millionaire. Here is a typical request.

Customer: Do you have that book?
Me: Which book?
Customer: That book written by that guy?
Me: Which guy?
Customer: You know the one. It was on "Oprah" yesterday.
Me: What's it about?
Customer: Ugh, about a guy who goes on an adventure.
Me: Is it a fantasy book?
Customer: No. Come on. Why don't you know what this book is?


The answer I'd love to say is: Because YOU don't fucking know what the book is!!!

What I actually say is: Sir/M'aam, I need more information to help you.

The secret is this: When you see a product you like on "Oprah," reviewed online, or on a billboard, write the information down. Find a pen. Use your smart phone. If there's no way to write it down, try picking out a key word and doing the research when you get home. Your goal is to walk in our store, ask for the product, receive it, and get on with your life.

Here is my dream exchange:

Customer: Hello, do you have A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens in hardcover?
Me: Yes, Sir/Maam. Would you like me to get it for you?
Customer: No, just tell me the section, and I'll go grab it.
Me: Fiction, third aisle on your left.
Customer: Thank you.

2. Try to Find Something Yourself


I'm often positioned  near the front of the store. As a result, I get asked the most questions. And most people don't follow Rule #1. It's really hard to locate books, especially when you aren't given enough information. So if you see the sales rep is bogged down with other customers, try doing us all a favor and look for the book yourself.

This is a sign.

Often the time you waste waiting for a sales rep is more than enough time to find the bathroom on your own. Most major retail outlets have signs saying where things are. This doesn't just apply to book stores. It applies to any store. If you look, you can easily locate where the sweaters are, or where they sell stereos. Not taking up the valuable time of a busy sales rep can help you get what you need faster.

3. Don't be an Asshole!

You'd think I wouldn't have to list this rule. Not being an asshole should be common knowledge. However, every single day we get assholes. There are various reasons why:


1. We don't have what their looking for.

 This is an Asshole!

2. The line for the register is long. 
3. We ask them to stop a certain behavior.
4. We ask them to leave.
5. We can't give them a particular discount due to an external factor.
6. They had a bad day.
7. They are just mean people.

Remember, the sales rep has been at the store all day, and has dealt with hundreds of people, most of them slightly unpleasant. Try being the nice person who treats the sales rep with respect. Trust me, you will be remembered in a positive way.  One nice person can be the redeeming factor in an otherwise wretched day. If the sales rep doesn't have the product you seek, realize its not their fault. This brings us to rule number four.

4. Call Ahead


If you are looking for an iPad 2, it never hurts to call the Apple Store and ask, "Hey are you going to have the ipad 2 in stock around 8pm tonight?" 

This is a phone. Use it!

The sales rep. will usually be able to tell you "yes" or "no" and save you the trouble of coming down to the apple store only for them to be sold out. It takes two minutes to call, it takes an hour or more to go down to the store. Depending on the establishment, sometimes you can get the item held for you. Other shops will help you track the item down at a sister store, tell you where to go, or even order it for you. Calling ahead can save you and the sales rep's tempers. 


5. Be Carful Hitting On Sales Reps


I have a friend that we'll call Hannah. She has very long curly hair that often gets her in trouble. She is constantly harassed by men who are trying to pick her up while she's working. Here's a day at work for our poor Hannah:


Pig: Hey there.
Hannah: Hello, may I help you find something?
Pig: Yeah, you can help me find your number.
Hannah: No thank you.

A pig looks like this.

Pig: I really love your hair.
Hannah: I'm cutting it soon.
Pig: Why? It's so beautiful.
Hannah: So creeps like you will leave me alone!


People have to realize that when employees are working they're busy. Doing a sales job is hard enough without someone trying to get your number. It's annoying, and more than that it's rude. Now who am I to say love can't be found in Macy's or Dillard's? If friendly conversation between an employee naturally turns into flirting then so be it. 

Pigs also look like this.

However, you need to be discreet and friendly, not pompous and obnoxious. If the sales rep doesn't seem interested then move on. You're wasting their time and your own.  After all, they have a job to do!


6. Pay Attention at the Register


A transaction is an exchange. It's two people trading resources. You give the cashier money, the cashier gives you goods or services. It's very rude when someone comes up on their iphone playing frogger, while a human being is standing there servicing you. However, the worst is when someone is talking on the phone. Try putting down the phone, saying "hello" and "thank you." 


Just like Rule #3, the person who talks to the cashier is that person's saving grace. The only thing that breaks up the repetition of ringing is the conversation they can have with a stranger.  Also, people who don't pay attention run the risk of being ripped off. If you're so busy that you don't count your change, what's to stop the cashier from handing you a one instead of a twenty? What will stop the cashier from writing down your card number and using it later? Paying attention at the register means a pleasant experience for the cashier, and a safer experience for you.

This is a human being, not a machine. 

7. Take Direction


Realize that the sales rep probably knows more about what you're looking for then you do. Another typical customer exchange.


Customer: Do you know where A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens is?
Me: Yes Ma'am, fiction third aisle on your left.
Customer: Thank you. (rolls eyes and goes to the right)


Don't ask me why people do this, but they do. They also challenge our knowledge of the inventory.


Customer: Do you have the first one in the series? (Stands holding a copy of Jane Eyre)
Me: Ma'am, Jane Eyre isn't part of a series. 
Customer: Yes it is. The first one is Pride and Prejudice.
Me: Ma'am, Pride and Prejudice was written by Jane Austin.
Customer: No, if you'll look. (She turns over Jane Eyre and shows that this particular edition was released alongside Wuthering Heights, Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, and Romeo and Juliet.) 
Me: Ma'am, you do know that these all have different authors?  
Customer: No, the don't! You're so dumb.

This is a stupid bitch. She thinks she knows everything. I hate her!

The pain of my life is that the above exchange ACTUALLY happened! Granted, this girl was extra stupid, but the idea remains a constant theme. Do yourself a favor and respect the expert. It will make your life easier.


8. It's Not our Fault


I touched on this earlier. Sometimes, stores run out of things. Holiday rushes, unexpected demand, and other factors well beyond the control of the sales reps will affect supply. If you forget Rule #4, and we don't have the item or service you want, be kind to us. 

This is us. We're sorry.

The lowly cashier or sales rep doesn't do the ordering, so don't take out your frustration on them. Doing this is pointless and just pisses off the staff. How about simply seeing if maybe another store has the item? My point is that stuff happens in retail, and as a good customer you need to know that. Being a good sport one time can get you special treatment the next time.


9. We're Not a Trash Can


Don't come in off the street to throw away your trash. It's ungodly rude, and violates Rule #3 instantly. This is New York. There is a garbage can on every street. When you come into a place of business, don't buy anything and simply dump your garbage you send a negative message. How about, come in, buy something, and then maybe our trash can on the way out? If you're going to drop your shit, at least don't ask a sales rep where a garbage can is. 

Use NYC Garbage cans!

Their answer will be, "The street!" 


You're not special. This brings me to Rule #10.


10. You're not special

He thinks he's special. His mom told him he was.

You're mom lied. You're average like the rest of us. A lot of people walk in stores and business like they own the place. The break Rules #1-9 on the basis that they are too good to play by the. Well here's some advice from those of us in retail; if you come into our establishment, be rude to us, abuse us, and treat us and our place of work poorly we will hate you! 


Don't think you're better than us because we work in customer service. Remember we're all human beings and we all have feelings. The customer is NOT always right, and admitting that is the first step towards a happy customer service experience.


In Conclusion


I'm not saying there isn't bad customer service.  When dealing with bad service, remember these 10 rules and you're experience can be greatly improved. If the staff of a business is truly incompetent, remember Rule #3 and calmly ask for a manager's assistance. Improving customer service on one end can greatly affect the type of service you receive. Karma is kind of funny that way.

So it goes....