Top 10 rules for the customer!

Hello Suckers!

Listen:

My colleages and I constantly lament about the rudeness and incompetence of our shoppers. I'm writing this for both my co-workers and for consumers in general. I can't tell you where I work, but my field is books. And we want to share that the secret to a pleasant experience lies with you, the shopper.


1. Come Prepared

These are books.

This is Rule #1 for a good reason. If I had a nickel for every time a person came into the store with no information on what they were requesting, I'd be a millionaire. Here is a typical request.

Customer: Do you have that book?
Me: Which book?
Customer: That book written by that guy?
Me: Which guy?
Customer: You know the one. It was on "Oprah" yesterday.
Me: What's it about?
Customer: Ugh, about a guy who goes on an adventure.
Me: Is it a fantasy book?
Customer: No. Come on. Why don't you know what this book is?


The answer I'd love to say is: Because YOU don't fucking know what the book is!!!

What I actually say is: Sir/M'aam, I need more information to help you.

The secret is this: When you see a product you like on "Oprah," reviewed online, or on a billboard, write the information down. Find a pen. Use your smart phone. If there's no way to write it down, try picking out a key word and doing the research when you get home. Your goal is to walk in our store, ask for the product, receive it, and get on with your life.

Here is my dream exchange:

Customer: Hello, do you have A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens in hardcover?
Me: Yes, Sir/Maam. Would you like me to get it for you?
Customer: No, just tell me the section, and I'll go grab it.
Me: Fiction, third aisle on your left.
Customer: Thank you.

2. Try to Find Something Yourself


I'm often positioned  near the front of the store. As a result, I get asked the most questions. And most people don't follow Rule #1. It's really hard to locate books, especially when you aren't given enough information. So if you see the sales rep is bogged down with other customers, try doing us all a favor and look for the book yourself.

This is a sign.

Often the time you waste waiting for a sales rep is more than enough time to find the bathroom on your own. Most major retail outlets have signs saying where things are. This doesn't just apply to book stores. It applies to any store. If you look, you can easily locate where the sweaters are, or where they sell stereos. Not taking up the valuable time of a busy sales rep can help you get what you need faster.

3. Don't be an Asshole!

You'd think I wouldn't have to list this rule. Not being an asshole should be common knowledge. However, every single day we get assholes. There are various reasons why:


1. We don't have what their looking for.

 This is an Asshole!

2. The line for the register is long. 
3. We ask them to stop a certain behavior.
4. We ask them to leave.
5. We can't give them a particular discount due to an external factor.
6. They had a bad day.
7. They are just mean people.

Remember, the sales rep has been at the store all day, and has dealt with hundreds of people, most of them slightly unpleasant. Try being the nice person who treats the sales rep with respect. Trust me, you will be remembered in a positive way.  One nice person can be the redeeming factor in an otherwise wretched day. If the sales rep doesn't have the product you seek, realize its not their fault. This brings us to rule number four.

4. Call Ahead


If you are looking for an iPad 2, it never hurts to call the Apple Store and ask, "Hey are you going to have the ipad 2 in stock around 8pm tonight?" 

This is a phone. Use it!

The sales rep. will usually be able to tell you "yes" or "no" and save you the trouble of coming down to the apple store only for them to be sold out. It takes two minutes to call, it takes an hour or more to go down to the store. Depending on the establishment, sometimes you can get the item held for you. Other shops will help you track the item down at a sister store, tell you where to go, or even order it for you. Calling ahead can save you and the sales rep's tempers. 


5. Be Carful Hitting On Sales Reps


I have a friend that we'll call Hannah. She has very long curly hair that often gets her in trouble. She is constantly harassed by men who are trying to pick her up while she's working. Here's a day at work for our poor Hannah:


Pig: Hey there.
Hannah: Hello, may I help you find something?
Pig: Yeah, you can help me find your number.
Hannah: No thank you.

A pig looks like this.

Pig: I really love your hair.
Hannah: I'm cutting it soon.
Pig: Why? It's so beautiful.
Hannah: So creeps like you will leave me alone!


People have to realize that when employees are working they're busy. Doing a sales job is hard enough without someone trying to get your number. It's annoying, and more than that it's rude. Now who am I to say love can't be found in Macy's or Dillard's? If friendly conversation between an employee naturally turns into flirting then so be it. 

Pigs also look like this.

However, you need to be discreet and friendly, not pompous and obnoxious. If the sales rep doesn't seem interested then move on. You're wasting their time and your own.  After all, they have a job to do!


6. Pay Attention at the Register


A transaction is an exchange. It's two people trading resources. You give the cashier money, the cashier gives you goods or services. It's very rude when someone comes up on their iphone playing frogger, while a human being is standing there servicing you. However, the worst is when someone is talking on the phone. Try putting down the phone, saying "hello" and "thank you." 


Just like Rule #3, the person who talks to the cashier is that person's saving grace. The only thing that breaks up the repetition of ringing is the conversation they can have with a stranger.  Also, people who don't pay attention run the risk of being ripped off. If you're so busy that you don't count your change, what's to stop the cashier from handing you a one instead of a twenty? What will stop the cashier from writing down your card number and using it later? Paying attention at the register means a pleasant experience for the cashier, and a safer experience for you.

This is a human being, not a machine. 

7. Take Direction


Realize that the sales rep probably knows more about what you're looking for then you do. Another typical customer exchange.


Customer: Do you know where A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens is?
Me: Yes Ma'am, fiction third aisle on your left.
Customer: Thank you. (rolls eyes and goes to the right)


Don't ask me why people do this, but they do. They also challenge our knowledge of the inventory.


Customer: Do you have the first one in the series? (Stands holding a copy of Jane Eyre)
Me: Ma'am, Jane Eyre isn't part of a series. 
Customer: Yes it is. The first one is Pride and Prejudice.
Me: Ma'am, Pride and Prejudice was written by Jane Austin.
Customer: No, if you'll look. (She turns over Jane Eyre and shows that this particular edition was released alongside Wuthering Heights, Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, and Romeo and Juliet.) 
Me: Ma'am, you do know that these all have different authors?  
Customer: No, the don't! You're so dumb.

This is a stupid bitch. She thinks she knows everything. I hate her!

The pain of my life is that the above exchange ACTUALLY happened! Granted, this girl was extra stupid, but the idea remains a constant theme. Do yourself a favor and respect the expert. It will make your life easier.


8. It's Not our Fault


I touched on this earlier. Sometimes, stores run out of things. Holiday rushes, unexpected demand, and other factors well beyond the control of the sales reps will affect supply. If you forget Rule #4, and we don't have the item or service you want, be kind to us. 

This is us. We're sorry.

The lowly cashier or sales rep doesn't do the ordering, so don't take out your frustration on them. Doing this is pointless and just pisses off the staff. How about simply seeing if maybe another store has the item? My point is that stuff happens in retail, and as a good customer you need to know that. Being a good sport one time can get you special treatment the next time.


9. We're Not a Trash Can


Don't come in off the street to throw away your trash. It's ungodly rude, and violates Rule #3 instantly. This is New York. There is a garbage can on every street. When you come into a place of business, don't buy anything and simply dump your garbage you send a negative message. How about, come in, buy something, and then maybe our trash can on the way out? If you're going to drop your shit, at least don't ask a sales rep where a garbage can is. 

Use NYC Garbage cans!

Their answer will be, "The street!" 


You're not special. This brings me to Rule #10.


10. You're not special

He thinks he's special. His mom told him he was.

You're mom lied. You're average like the rest of us. A lot of people walk in stores and business like they own the place. The break Rules #1-9 on the basis that they are too good to play by the. Well here's some advice from those of us in retail; if you come into our establishment, be rude to us, abuse us, and treat us and our place of work poorly we will hate you! 


Don't think you're better than us because we work in customer service. Remember we're all human beings and we all have feelings. The customer is NOT always right, and admitting that is the first step towards a happy customer service experience.


In Conclusion


I'm not saying there isn't bad customer service.  When dealing with bad service, remember these 10 rules and you're experience can be greatly improved. If the staff of a business is truly incompetent, remember Rule #3 and calmly ask for a manager's assistance. Improving customer service on one end can greatly affect the type of service you receive. Karma is kind of funny that way.

So it goes....